Shaenas Blog

the ex...

2007-02-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

What in the world is wrong with people? Im sitting in the desert with my family eating dinner and i get a text message from my ex asking me how i am. As soon as I got the message I got that feeling in my stomach, that feeling of butterflies and my stomach turning over at the thought of how angry I am at him still. I realize it's rediculous that its been over a year and i want to call him an idiot now more than ever. It cant be that bad since i started feeling this way recently and i wasnt upset at all when we broke up. I dont know what makes me more upset. Is it that he told all of his friend that he wanted to be a pastor and that he was going to marry me or is it that he told my family that he was going to marry me and that he loved me and told me that he wanted to be a pastor - now he is dealing drugs, getting 502's and who knows what else with those friends he told he was going to be a pastor.

Am I completely rediculous to be angry? I want to see him and see how he is. I want to know if he really is making the "progress" he claims to be making.

thoughts...

here i lay

2006-12-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

because all i see is greatness hidden behind your mask
if once a dream all i dream is for your happiness
i hope that your smile is contagious because your sorrow seeps in me like bare feet on broken glass
you want me to run from you so i dont get hurt yet i dare to run to you for thinking of me first

so here i lay waiting for a dream to pass into reality as im awaiting a love so deep
a love so contradicting yet so sweet
dare i say to you these words
these words of wonder that only God has heard

i could love you for much less

hmm

2006-11-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

so far away wishing for you
knowing that every feeling is true
I will not neglect you
you doubt my faith
you doubt my faith in you
you want someone who sees that your amazing
I only see one more amazing than you
I want to love you for who you are
I want you to see that when Im broken your my star

yes

2006-11-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

waiting... just waiting... still waiting
trying to be as patient as possible
I obviously cant rush
no options
love it. thanks.

man that stunk

2006-11-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

I really didn't think that this would hurt me so much. I just told my roomate Anna that I probablly will be moving out in a few months. She knew that it was coming because she could tell that my mom was pressuring me to move in with her. And now that looks like what will end up happening. It's hard living on your own, rent, gas, groceries... rent. Paying $650 a month is too much for me to do right now and be a full time student. It only makes since to live with my mom and not have to pay rent, after all she is clean now so we get along. This way I can save up money for which ever school I choose to transfer to and whatever else I may need to save for.

I love living with Anna though, we have fun and I live on my own. It's nice.

These are the times that I wish my Grandma was here so I could talk with her about it, she always knew what to say and/or do.

Am I crazy? should I not feel bad right now? I told Anna MONTHS in advance, she should be able to find someone else in that time.

Please pray for me, I really need reasurance and peace.
Thanks.

Oh yea! Good news... that boii in my previous post finally called me and said sorry. Im glad I have my friend back!

Update on last post

2006-09-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I decided to tell him, actually Dylan told me I should tell him and since I do everything Dylan tells me to do, I did. All he said was really like 5 times and then said he had to go and he would call back later. He hasnt called me since, and I told him like a month ago. So I told Dylan and she said to call him, so I did. Lame. no answer. no call back. So, now that one of my really good friends, who obviously wasnt doesnt talk to me because I like him, Ive decided that I'm so over it. Do I still like him, yea, of course. Do I stand a chance with him, No. Which is fine, because I know that God has someone for me, someone who has more than I could ever want. So thanks to this guy... for being a punk... and thanks for your prayers "anymous"

I love you guys.

yea great

2006-08-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

So I really don't mind posting this on here because I know that all of two people look at my blog regularly. Wow! So popular!

Things are crazy right now. yes. crazy. I've been going to bed everynight thinking of one person, praying for them, wanting them to succeed greatly. and do you know who I think about when I wake up in the morning, even better what i think about... Hmm... so when do I tell him how I feel. Does he feel this way? probablly not. Okay, so when it comes to guys I don't have any problem saying hey guess what, im into you. but with this one imparticular, i am completely lost and dont know where to begin. im very much okay with waiting months or even years for this person and im not that kind of person. I know that he goes greatly beyond my standards that I once thought were set pretty high. and i think i am going absolutly crazy because what the heck, im not supposed to want this one.
But I do. and the idea of him and me makes me really happy and it feels right. a little nerve racking the idea of saying, hey buddy i think ur my guy.

Anyway, Im sorry for the improper grammar, it will bug me later as well. Please Please Please pray for me to get a grip on all of this.

luv, shae

The way it is

2006-07-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

I cant see myself liking you so how do u expect me to love you? It took you a week to decide you wanted to spend your life with me, a week to tell me you were in love with me... it took me a week to say we cant do this, it took me a week to say Im so sorry.

Blessing:
Someone loves me that much

Curse:
Another broken heart
- a week? okay, are you really gonna say I dont care about these guys? Man, every single one of you girls talking crap take a second and think about it!

I want to scream out "ITS NOT MY FAULT" seriously, a week guys, yea, I liked him, but that just kills it for me, I want someone I can grow with, not someone where I have to climb up stinkin ethiopia just to meet them where their at...

man do I love the drama of the typical 19 year old...

this is rediculous.

come and go... regret so slow

2006-07-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

I hate it that u went away
no longer my friend
nothing left to do for you but pray
I have no idea who you are anymore
are you walking with God or did u let your feet get too sore
you used to be so cool to me
everyday you were the friend that I wanted to see
I used to want to do everything for you
I understood your sin and I wanted to be the one to encourage you
I'm not sure if your the one to blame
I know that I pushed you away but it was just so that she would be okay
now I dont know where your at or what your all about
I'm here wondering if your heads on track
I really am sorry, if I had the choice I'd take it all back.

My take on dating...

2005-12-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

So this is my story... (if you don't want to read it all I suggest just reading the last couple of paragraphs... but to get the whole picture read the whole thing.)

About six months ago I made a decison not to date. I had just gotten out of a long distance relationship that ended horribly and I wanted to dedicate my life to God. I was about to start college and I had just started working with Jr Highers at church when I was asked to go to Jr's camp. Not only did I fall head over heals in love with all the girls that I got to spend time with but I fell head over heals for a really great God loving guy who just happened to be moving to Arizona. Yea, that put a bit of a damper on our relationship... but anyway I thought I was gonna marry this guy, and everyone knew about it!

So this is where my point of writing this comes in... When we first got together Craig had everything that I wanted and I thought God wanted for me too. I prayed about us getting together and so did he. Every moment and conversation we had was awsome in so many ways... it was God honoring, funny, we enjoyed each others company, and he still liked me even after I fell down a hill and ran into two trees... after camp we spent everyday together we prayed, read out bibles, met each others family, and I even let him meet my incredibly scary father. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together...

So what happened... when Craig moved we didn't get to talk as much, and it sucked not being able to spend time with him. That added a lot of tension and we stoped making time for each other. I started working more and he started working way more. We didn't have time to pray together or read our bibles, or even discuss how our relationships with God were... I made sure to let him know that God was before him, and he felt the same way about God being before me. We told each other we would make more time because we weren't how we once were and it just wasn't right. A few days passed and nothing changed... for about two weeks our talking had become texting and we broke up... how? yes... by texting.

How I felt... I had this Stellar Kart song stuck in my head about God never changing and right before we broke up I had read 1 John 3... that chapter is all about how God loves us and always will ( I highly suggest reading it!) At that moment I felt God come over me and I knew that Craig and I had to break up. Not because we no longer cared about each other... because we didn't have a God honoring relationship anymore...

The other reason... I'm 18 and was talking about marraige... don't get me wrong I want to be married young and I want to have kids young... but neither of us were at the place where we should be talking about that... we're both freshmen in college and we both work a lot. We grew up completely differently which makes it hard for us to understand where exactly the other one is at.

Ok I'm almost done... I titled this "My take on dating" because I've made a decision that should be considered by all of you... I'm not going to date for a long time... and when I do it's going to be someone who I have been friends with for a few years and I know every amazing and obnoxious thing about them... this person is going to be involved in ministry and loves God more than anything... Everytime he looks at me or hears my voice he is going to praise God for me, and everything he says to me has to be real. I would go into how I want them to look but I don't want to be too picky...

Dating when your young brings good lessons, but you don't want to give your heart away too many times before your with your husband... I dont know about you, but when I get married my husband is going to be spoiled and is never going to feel like I don't love him enough...

So until I meet that guy that God has so gracefully blessed me with the only man for me is Jesus Christ...not only does he love me for who I am, he died for me... what greater man is there?

My thoughts on Chrismas, Thanksgiving, ... and a challange!

2005-12-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm super oppinonated today... I'm not sure which category this would go in so it doesn't have one!As everyone knows I love food, I love family, and I have a lot to give thanks for!So I'm sitting in my CADD class right now not doing my work, and I started thinking about Thanksgiving and what my plans are. I guess Thanksgiving is at my place this year... actually it always has been. Before every Thanksgiving we always go around our dining room table and discuss what we are thankful for, I'm sure most families do this. It always takes people a few seconds to think of something that they are thankful for, and yea, sometimes me too. I've decided that holidays are starting to bug me... but why? It makes me sad that families choose one day out of the year to get together and act happy, discussing how greatful they are for having each other... then the next day one of those family members goes to another family member talking crap about their drunken relative... hmm... so sweet isn't it? So why is it that out of 365 days we give thanks with our families once? I strongly feel that Americans don't have tradition besides the morning run to Starbucks... Has Thanksgiving become an obligation? Is it an obligation to show love and give thanks while devouring delicious food? Oh don't forget it's only once a year!Christmas... the celebration of Christs birth... first of all why don't we celebrate Christs death? We celebrate his rebirth right? I don't know if you all have heard the saying "Praise God" before, it's in the bible... you can look it up! I would apprecieate it if one person can give me a reason to exchange gifts with each other on this day? Shouldn't we be giving gifts to God? It is his birthday... instead we exchange superficial gifts that for the most part aren't God honoring, not that they are bad all of the time either. So here are my thoughts... if someday I am so blessed with a God honoring husband and children, we will give thanks everynight before dinner... not just prayer but praise! And for Christmas... I'm taking my kids to give a not so privlaged family a gift or many... isn't that much more God honoring, and even rewarding? So heres my challange for you... when your parents or gaurdians ask you what you want for Christmas, ask them for necessary items and a few toys that you can drop on the neighbors porch, or a charity, or if you just get money give it to a local church, or charity. Make this Thanksgiving and Christmas what they are supposed to be all about. God will always give you the greatest gift of all... his love... so show him some.

Just Be Real!

2005-12-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

I've finally decided what bugs me more than anything. When people are fake. It stinks when you go to talk to someone and all of the sudden they are completely different than they used to be. What is that all about? I understand what it's like to be fake because I was for a while. I don't see the point in trying to impress somebody who you want to be all buddy buddy with, and by doing so you hurt a friend who you never had to impress for them to like you. Don't you get that the person who your trying to impress will never like you if you don't be yourself. People like honesty no matter how big of unhonest jerks they really are.

Be real, stand out, and stop trying to be someone who your not... believe it or not, when that happens your gonna be that person who someone wants to be friends with then who are you gonna be?