the ex...

What in the world is wrong with people? Im sitting in the desert with my family eating dinner and i get a text message from my ex asking me how i am. As soon as I got the message I got that feeling in my stomach, that feeling of butterflies and my stomach turning over at the thought of how angry I am at him still. I realize it's rediculous that its been over a year and i want to call him an idiot now more than ever. It cant be that bad since i started feeling this way recently and i wasnt upset at all when we broke up. I dont know what makes me more upset. Is it that he told all of his friend that he wanted to be a pastor and that he was going to marry me or is it that he told my family that he was going to marry me and that he loved me and told me that he wanted to be a pastor - now he is dealing drugs, getting 502's and who knows what else with those friends he told he was going to be a pastor.


Am I completely rediculous to be angry? I want to see him and see how he is. I want to know if he really is making the "progress" he claims to be making.

thoughts...

here i lay

because all i see is greatness hidden behind your mask
if once a dream all i dream is for your happiness
i hope that your smile is contagious because your sorrow seeps in me like bare feet on broken glass
you want me to run from you so i dont get hurt yet i dare to run to you for thinking of me first

so here i lay waiting for a dream to pass into reality as im awaiting a love so deep
a love so contradicting yet so sweet
dare i say to you these words
these words of wonder that only God has heard

i could love you for much less

hmm

so far away wishing for you
knowing that every feeling is true
I will not neglect you
you doubt my faith
you doubt my faith in you
you want someone who sees that your amazing
I only see one more amazing than you
I want to love you for who you are
I want you to see that when Im broken your my star

yes

waiting... just waiting... still waiting
trying to be as patient as possible
I obviously cant rush
no options
love it. thanks.

man that stunk

I really didn't think that this would hurt me so much. I just told my roomate Anna that I probablly will be moving out in a few months. She knew that it was coming because she could tell that my mom was pressuring me to move in with her. And now that looks like what will end up happening. It's hard living on your own, rent, gas, groceries... rent. Paying $650 a month is too much for me to do right now and be a full time student. It only makes since to live with my mom and not have to pay rent, after all she is clean now so we get along. This way I can save up money for which ever school I choose to transfer to and whatever else I may need to save for.

I love living with Anna though, we have fun and I live on my own. It's nice.

These are the times that I wish my Grandma was here so I could talk with her about it, she always knew what to say and/or do.

Am I crazy? should I not feel bad right now? I told Anna MONTHS in advance, she should be able to find someone else in that time.

Please pray for me, I really need reasurance and peace.
Thanks.


Oh yea! Good news... that boii in my previous post finally called me and said sorry. Im glad I have my friend back!

Update on last post

So I decided to tell him, actually Dylan told me I should tell him and since I do everything Dylan tells me to do, I did. All he said was really like 5 times and then said he had to go and he would call back later. He hasnt called me since, and I told him like a month ago. So I told Dylan and she said to call him, so I did. Lame. no answer. no call back. So, now that one of my really good friends, who obviously wasnt doesnt talk to me because I like him, Ive decided that I'm so over it. Do I still like him, yea, of course. Do I stand a chance with him, No. Which is fine, because I know that God has someone for me, someone who has more than I could ever want. So thanks to this guy... for being a punk... and thanks for your prayers "anymous"

I love you guys.

yea great

So I really don't mind posting this on here because I know that all of two people look at my blog regularly. Wow! So popular!

Things are crazy right now. yes. crazy. I've been going to bed everynight thinking of one person, praying for them, wanting them to succeed greatly. and do you know who I think about when I wake up in the morning, even better what i think about... Hmm... so when do I tell him how I feel. Does he feel this way? probablly not. Okay, so when it comes to guys I don't have any problem saying hey guess what, im into you. but with this one imparticular, i am completely lost and dont know where to begin. im very much okay with waiting months or even years for this person and im not that kind of person. I know that he goes greatly beyond my standards that I once thought were set pretty high. and i think i am going absolutly crazy because what the heck, im not supposed to want this one.
But I do. and the idea of him and me makes me really happy and it feels right. a little nerve racking the idea of saying, hey buddy i think ur my guy.

Anyway, Im sorry for the improper grammar, it will bug me later as well. Please Please Please pray for me to get a grip on all of this.

luv, shae